I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
