do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
