My room smells like vodka and shame
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
