k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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