If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
