Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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