Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
