im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
