You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
