I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
