They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
