I showed him my bush... on skype.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
