woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
