The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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