I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
