I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
