his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
