your thong is hanging out like whoa
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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