I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
