i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
