Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
