proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
