..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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