I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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