took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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