Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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