she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
