It's Friday. Sex?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
how does that bad decision feel?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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