There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
