note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
