Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
