Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
