sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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