My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
