This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
