dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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