new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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