I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
