who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
