I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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