so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
