I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She even gives head with a lisp.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
