You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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