He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
