The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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