Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
