I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
