this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
