last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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