im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
