Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
