when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
