He uses pillows to masturbate.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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